Tuesday, May 17, 2016

I've had enough


I've had enough of ignoring this blog and trying to shy away from writing a post (ever). I've had enough to attempting to conceal my lack of effort when it comes to the blog because I haven't put in any effort in perhaps one year. I've had enough of trying to pen posts in which I don't get back producing two decent sentences before zoning out. I've had enough of watching one of my passion slowly disintegrate into a hollow activity to which I give little to no regard.

My 11 year old sister recently started a blog, focusing her attention on crafts, DIYs and baking. Three things which I have watched her obsess over ever since she five. Her commitment and dedication to these three projects remind me of how much I had always liked tweaking with computers and writing. Two things that I eventually combined and showcased proudly on two different blogs.

Her blog reminds me of myself.

I started blogging as a 12 year old, fussing over makeup that I didn't wear and giving out tips that I would never apply to myself (not that they weren't genuine, they were just researched from the internet). Two things excited me when I first started blogging- firstly, finally having an outlet to write somewhere and express my opinion on certain topics (namely makeup at that time) although they were numbered down to one and secondly, having to do it with my best friend Fatima (with whom this blog is still shared at this moment). 

I loved blogging. Wait, scratch that-I still love blogging. I've just kind of lost cause. I've lost ambition and dedication that I once had. I feel hollow and drained. I feel as if I'm suffering from a never ending writer's block.

This post was mainly motivated from my close inspection and analyzation of my sister's blog. Her posts trickle the same love and obsession I had for blogging and sharing content that I had 3 and a half years ago. They remind me of how much I liked to blog regardless of whether I had hundred people reading my posts or not. I liked it. I loved every second of it.

And now, it just feels like a drag. 

I think I've shimmied around this particular post for a long time. Trying to force myself into returning to normal instead of having to type out this post and giving an excuse for my irregularity and lack of motivation or dedication towards a platform and a community that my heart swelled with love for until a year back.

But this is the honest, cold hearted truth.

I do love blogging but perhaps, I'm just not in the right place or state of mind to whole heartedly write the stuff I want to write. 

I've concluded perhaps a year back that I would start a solo blog, independant of Fatima since her focus was slowly deterring from full time blogging and I did not want to force her into committing to a hobby for which she did not have time nor the same amount of dedication that I held. She does love blogging but she treats it differently than I do and that is where we clash. That solo blog somehow never came into being to this day.

I was entirely focused and determined on starting it when I first decided. We would surely continue this blog but I would put more effort into that one. It would be my space and I wouldn't have to force a fellow blogger into helping me or having to consult with a fellow blogger every once in a while like I had to with Fatima. My determination however was short lived.

I don't classify myself as a lazy person although I am quite lazy with certain things but with things like blogging and writing. Anything related to my passions-I am nothing but hard working. Regardless of my love for blogging, I started toying around with the idea of separate blog.

I am still unknown to the exact reason why that happened. There are several reasons though but I cannot, to this day, settle on one.

I've hid myself too much. I've ignored, pushed aside, brushed off, disregarded this blog and just blogging in general for too long.

And I have seriously have had fucking enough.

I have spent enough time envying people who religiously put up post after post, each of them crafted and curated to perfection as if it had taken days upon days to finish it up although it probably had been an hour or less. I am more than just sick of staring at my drafts, dwelling in the misery of how unrefined and uncomposed they were.

But it probably hadn't been about the clarity or quality of my posts-it had everything to do with myself and the way I had started treating blogging. I've struggled to categorize my blog. To categorize my blogging style.

Since my exams are now done and dusted and the school years rolls into it's conclusion, I realize how much time I have in my hands when I don't have an alarm clock set up 7 am for school. When I don't have school nagging me. I believe it's time to perhaps start working on a few things. Namely; this blog.

So I am back.

Let this be a fresh start. Let this break be a rejuvinating experience that has cleansed me and taught me a few many things about blogging and about myself as a blogger and writer.

I'll see you very soon.

 - Z O H A -

1 comment:

  1. Hooray to your fresh start (and the end of 7am start times!) - sometimes you have to reach that point of frustration to decide what you're going to do, and it sounds as though you've made a good decision and are happy with it :) Looking forward to reading your future posts!



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