I sit amidst a steady throbbing buzz of people in a soundproof room completely blocked from the goings on of a normal day.
Thinking that this would be the perfect time to write something, I pull my laptop out of my bag and open it up.
The black screen is haunting but the letters on the keys call out to me.
I have the sudden urge to hurl this wretched device across the room.
Why is it so hard to write when I know I want to? Devoid of creativity, ideas and thoughts that are worthwhile enough to translate onto virtual pages.
Even if it's not for the world to be able to access at the click of a button, if it's for myself, for the pleasure of getting out a stream of words, I find that it's immensely difficult.
Diagnosis: Writer's Block
I save myself the agony of later wailing over a broken laptop and shut it, albeit slamming it, and shove it deep into the pockets of my bag.
Propping my feet up on an extra chair, I think.
And I come up with answers.
Why is it so hard to do what you love?
Because when you love something that much, you're scared of disappointing yourself. You're scared that you might not be as good at it as you thought you were and it won't work out for you. If you didn't care, it wouldn't matter that you're shit at it. You wouldn't be scared to try because no harm, no foul. But you're terrified of the fact that you won't be able to make it work.
Why am I fearful if the world isn't judging me?
"You are your harshest critic" The world says you're no good, you tell it to go to hell. You say you're no good and then, what do you tell yourself? You can only contradict your own self so many times, stay in denial for only so long. Reality eventually catches you in it's cold arms and you face the music. You don't care about what the world thinks, their opinion doesn't matter as much as your own.
Is it paranoid of me to be scared of my critique?
No. It's not. It never was and it never will be. When singers record themselves singing into the crappy recorder on their phone, they press play and await anxiously, hoping that they meet or, hopefully, exceed expectations. With writers, the situation is very similar. But only when you open your eyes and look your own opinions in the eye will you be able to succeed. On;y when you listen to yourself and make the changes that desperately are needed will you get more positive feedback. Don't be scared to trust your instincts and listen to what you have to say.
Who should I even write for?
Yourself. 100%. Give it your all but let it be for you. Let it be about what you feel most strongly about, what you want to write on a whim or just because. Share it with the world if it's something that you feel could make a difference, could make a person think, laugh, cry or just feel something. Because that, in itself, is pretty big.
My computer is filled with the first couple of chapters of heaps of stories.
This isn't a question, it's a dilemma of mine. My patience runs as thin as water and often doesn't flow long. And then I shut my laptop or notebook with a heavy wistful sigh and imagine the ending that I know will never take place. This is wrong and I realize that now. You cannot label something you are clearly finished with as a "work in progress" just so you can show your friends 'look at how much pages I've written. Yep! Call me a writer!' This is something that I've struggled with since I can remember and I've decided to put my head down and trudge on through the middle and all the way to the end. I feel that, with some motivation and a lot of candy bars, I might just be able to make it. One thing is for sure, no more "I will do this later"s when I know that I won't.
"The road to hell is paved with works-in-progress"
Having sorted the agony I felt at not being able to write, I realize that the "Writer's Block" I dread can be a beautiful thing if used right.
It can help you to gain perspective and see what you love to do so dearly in a newer, clearer light.
And maybe, that was just what you needed.
"Who wants to become a writer? And why? Because it's the answer to everything...It's the streaming reason for living. To note, to pin down, to build up, to create, to be astonished at nothing, to cherish the oddities, to let nothing go down the drain, to make something.." -Enid Bagnold